You Don't See Me
by Mariah94
Summary: He's not sure what possessed him to move towards the floor, but for whatever reason, his feet were carrying him through the groups of people. He could probably blame it on the alcohol that was currently flowing through his veins but he's significantly sobered up since seeing her.
1. Chapter 1

How can I reach you...I'm not even close to you.

You Don't See Me

01

There's no logical explanation for him being here tonight. He sits alone at the end of the bar, cornered so he can see the rest of the drinkers without showing himself. All around him, bass-filled pop music plays. Every song carries the same methodical beat, only each track moves at a different pace. He wonders what inspires the writings of such songs...why somebody would listen to such...he really doesn't have a label for it. It isn't bad, per say, it's just not tasteful. He's really in no position to judge though. After all, he's sitting in a bar that is famous for its club culture sound.

Elliot sits at the bar of a club full of people, most likely half his age, and sips at his second scotch on the rocks. He's starting to feel sorry for himself. The night is still fairly young, a quick glance at watch tells him it's just before midnight, yet here he is. He's skipping the easy drinks tonight.

He really needs a hobby.

He supposes his preference for loud, catchy club music has something to do with the constant energy. It's loud but not deafening, alive but not overpowering. He gets noticed, but is never the center of attention. He isn't here to pick up woman. He simply needs this form of cloudy, thick, spontaneous energy while he drinks.

With a sigh, he lifts the remaining liquid to his parched lips. Elliot welcomes the burn that radiates down his throat. There's something refreshing about the irritation it brings, smoothed over by the buzz of the alcohol as it enters his bloodstream. He can feel his shoulders loosen up and it's getting easier to push away the unwanted thoughts that tower over him. He lets his mind wander into uncharted territory while motioning to the bartender for another drink.

It's not a sin to think about his partner, his ex-partner...not anymore at least. But despite that major barrier being out of the way, he still feels the guilt creep into his bones when her name crosses his mind. It was one thing when they were actually partners but now they aren't. She continues to work and he swallows his misery with a hard drink night after night.

He should call her.

He should...but he doubts she would answer. It's been over a year...an entire fucking year since he's heard her voice. He can't seem to forgive himself for his actions, so he can't even fathom Olivia forgiving him. He wouldn't expect her to.

Elliot can't call her, not yet at least. He needs to get better first. He needs to stop drinking, find a therapist, make amends with his family, his children...the list goes on. He can imagine Olivia taking one look at him and walking away. She would see the exhaustion, the anger, the devastation in his eyes and realize what a nut case he had become. He would never throw his burdens on her.

Another motion to the bartender and Elliot orders a water this time around. He figures three drinks were enough...he's numb enough to think about her but sober enough to rationalize everything. He can feel his heartache toward his former partner without delving into the final case that tore him apart.

He misses her.

It's a pity because it is his own fault that things are the way they are. And it's sad that he can sit here and feel sorry for himself over a situation he could have avoided if he had just talked to her. There was no reason to shut her out. He knows that Olivia would understand -hell, she's been there before. But he was afraid. It would have killed him to see her disappointed in him. His actions that day, though justifiable, were wrong.

He glances out into the wave of clubbers, floaters, swayers, movers of the floor. He wishes for once that he could be that carefree. That he could let loose enough to feel like a separate entity from himself. Just for a moment. He realizes he's not exactly young, but he's kept himself built. Being a cop, it's your duty to give yourself that advantage.

As he scans the floor, his eyes lock on a figure in the corner of the club. He watches with wide eyes as a group of boys take their turns on approaching her. Each hand gracefully reaches for hers and without fail, the woman pushes them away. She's clearly there for herself. After a few moments the group catches a hint and moves along, but Elliot doesn't. He continues to watch, engrossed in the moment. She moves with a purpose, a confidence, with a posture that screams sex but whispers I'm not available. Although she faces away from him, he can feel the tug of familiarity pull at his heart strings. Her body moves to a rhythm that he knows so well, but so little. He stops breathing. It can't be.

He's not sure what possessed him to move towards the floor, but for whatever reason, his feet were carrying him through the groups of people. He could probably blame it on the alcohol that was currently flowing through his veins but he's significantly sobered up since seeing her. And he still doesn't believe it.

He pauses about three feet from the figure that continues to grace the floor. She moves with purpose and flair, and without a care in the world. She has the attention of others but doesn't acknowledge anybody but herself.

He loves how innocent and sexy she is being. How she can grab the attention of others without making herself a target. He can imagine her whispering, "You can look, but you can't touch." It's incredibly erotic and...so out of character. He'd never expect her to be like this. Then again, he never expected that he would be in the middle of a dance floor, completely mesmerized but none other than Olivia Benson.

* * *

Characters are not mine, although I feel as though I can claim Elliot as mine now. Let me know what you think, and if you want more. This is going to be AU simply because the chances of us seeing Elliot and Olivia clubbing in any episodes any time soon is well...zero to none. This is a little out of my comfort zone but it's a very fun story to write. Rated T/M.


	2. Chapter 2

How can I touch you the way I'm supposed to do?

You Don't See Me

02

Elliot is blessed right now. If he were sober, married, or still partners with her he's sure his conscious would have kicked in. But he's single. And he has enough alcohol in his system to say he's not 100% at the moment.

He wonders what she would do if she were to turn around. He can imagine the anger, embarrassment, and shock showing in her face. She would glare at him while her body flushed in front of him. She would probably jump forward and hit him.

The thought of Olivia's hands on him though...

Elliot closes the remaining distance between him and his former partner. The song that is currently playing is coming to an end and he jumps at the opportunity before he loses his chance to sneak in. He hesitantly places his hands on her hips, keeping a few inches between them.

Olivia freezes. Almost immediately, the hand that had been smacking away the other men grabs his right wrist and pulls it off of her hip. He prepares for the rejection but their hands remain suspended in the air next to them.

The idea that she would recognize him so easily is astonishing. But he finds that hard to believe.

Elliot takes the opportunity to push his hand back on her hip. He hears the gasp fall off her lips and Elliot has to suck in his own breath. He takes a step forward so their bodies are in full contact.

"Elliot?"

"Shhh." His response is immediate.

He can sense the confidence he had about a minute ago start to fade. Now that he's behind her, he can feel the warmth of her body, the heat of her fingers wrapped around his wrist. Her scent surrounds him and it has suddenly become difficult to breathe.

The hips that he holds onto start to turn toward him and he tightens his grip, pulling her back into his body.

"Elliot." His name falls of her lips, only a whisper between breaths and he can hear the confusion in her voice.

"Don't," he tells her. "Don't turn around."

"What?"

"Shhh," he repeats.

He can feel the air around him thicken. He's sure the wheels are turning in her head, but he's just thankful she hasn't pulled away from him yet. He isn't sure what he's doing. He needs a game plan because right now he's completely dumbfounded and he's afraid if she turns around he will do something incredibly stupid.

He's surprised when he feels her relax against him. He can hear a deep intake of breath and he wishes he could see what's going on in her head right now. He can't seem to form any logical thoughts. His head is cloudy, and at this point he's not sure if it's the alcohol affecting his system.

He's intoxicated by the one and only Olivia Benson. His partner of twelve years...his partner that he hasn't seen in over a year. He squeezes his eyes shut and rests his head on the back part of her right shoulder. It takes him a minute to identify the lump that's formed in the back of his throat. When he realizes it though, it's too late and a small sob escapes on an exhaled breath.

The hand around his wrist squeezes.

"Olivia..." He whispers her name. It's nothing but a mumble into her back but he knows she heard him.

The music starts to pick up and he wonders how long they've been standing here, frozen in the middle of a dance floor. He can feel the atmosphere change as the clubbers begin to move once again.

He realizes he should probably get off the floor but he really doesn't want to ruin whatever is going on right now.

"El…" Olivia's left hand brushes across his fingers, pausing on his ring finger. She strokes the bare skin for a moment before Elliot took hold of both of her hands, pulling them away from his body.

His hands encircle hers. It was such a simple gesture, but something he had never done before. He rests their hands on his stomach, using his right one to cover both of hers, preventing them from exploring anymore. With his left hand, he hesitantly moves up along her waist, coming around to her back and pausing above her shoulder. With a swift motion the hair covering her neck is moved to the side.

His hand lingers for a moment before sliding down to rest along her waist again. He can feel her breath quicken and he smiles because he's the reason for it. She's wearing a dark blue blouse that leaves enough exposed for some looks, but not enough for her to seem…thirsty.

Although seeing her like this is driving him a little crazy, he's managed to keep his control. After all, they haven't seen each other in over a year. They've already crossed more lines in the amount of time they've been together on this dance floor then they had in twelve years of partnership.

He didn't mean for his lips to brush against her neck, but when they did, he nearly lost his self-control right there.

Once again, Olivia attempted to free herself from his grasp and turn into him. His strength quickly took over though and he pulled her back flush against him. By doing that though, he had freed her hands and next thing he knew her right hand was wrapping around his neck and Olivia started moving to beat of the song playing overhead.

* * *

Thoughts?


	3. Chapter 3

How can I tell you that I'm still in love with you?

You Don't See Me

3.0

Elliot has been walking on shard glass since he approached Olivia earlier tonight. He feels like they've been at this for hours…when in reality it's only been minutes. He's been careful, platonic, and mindful since coming up behind her. The last thing he wants to do is push her away, or even scare her off. He knows Olivia, and he knows how quickly she can change paths. But not even twelve years of partnership could prepare him for Olivia Benson's club side.

Her warm fingers travel father up and around the back of his neck and she purposefully pushes back against him before slowly grinding along with the slower, but beat filled song playing around them. He can't breathe. It was everything he could ask for but not enough at the same time. If anybody could tease him this way, it was Olivia.

It wasn't long before he caught up with her actions. He swallows hard and rests his hands on Olivia's abdomen, just below her chest but above her naval. With slow, deliberate movements, his hands make their way down, pausing on her hip bones.

His entire body flushes, the heat zeroing in just below in abdomen. He has never danced like this. Hell, he's not even sure this is dancing. This is…too fucking erotic and he really can't think straight.

It's a daring move, but at this point he's sure all lines have been crossed. Elliot pushes her shirt up, exposing her bare skin to the air around them. He moves his hand across her belly, mesmerized by the warm skin. He isn't surprised that he can feel the slight curve of her hip bones.

"You need to eat more." He knows she won't listen to him though.

She doesn't respond, but he hears the noise that makes its way between her lips when his hands travel upward, across her ribcage, before dropping back down. He imagines her lips are pursed tightly together in an attempt to stay quiet.

He slips his fingers into the front pockets of her jeans and waits for her next move.

He's surprised when her head rests against his chest. It would be so simple to lay his head on her shoulder...to lift his hand and turn her face toward his. Instead though, he lets his chin rest on the top of her head. Olivia brushes her fingers across his wrist, making aimless circles along his skin.

Jesus.

Her touch would kill him before the night was over. He feels the deep intake of breath, but barely catches the soft letters of his name on the exhale. "I want to see you," she tells him. Her right hand palpates the muscles of his neck.

"Liv..."

"Why can't I see you. It's been- it's been over a year." Her words come out a little bit harsher this time.

"Shh-"

"No, damnit El..." He curses when she starts to struggle against him. "This isn't fair."

"Olivia," he wraps his arms completely around her midsection, holding her to him. "Don't do this."

He can't help but grin as the familiar huff falls off of her lips. Typical Olivia. She always had a stubborn side but even he had to admit he was being unfair. He didn't want to ruin this though. Right now, Elliot could appreciate the situation he was in. He was given the opportunity to hold her, to feel her against him, to learn that Olivia is so much more than she showed him for all those years. He doesn't have to face his actions though. That's why he won't allow her to look at him.

But he can tell this fantasy he is living in is about to end.

He can feel the blade cut into him when her hands fall from his body. She lets out an exasperated sigh. "Elliot…"

"Hmmm." He doesn't bother with a real response. He's dropped his head into the crook of her neck, soaking in what he knows are his last few moments with her.

"Please."

His heart shatters. It was only on a rare occasion that Olivia had ever shown her true emotions around him. She was always closed up, protecting herself and working to fix others. But the anguish that is pouring out of her right now, the way her body is shaking against him…he knows he's breaking her all over again.

"Close your eyes." His voice is soft against her ear. "Close them." And then his hands are gracing upward. His right hand reaches across and cups the underside of her jaw. "I'm sorry, Liv."

It isn't much, but when his lips settle on her cheek he nearly melts. He's wanted this for thirteen years, but now he can't give her anything but a goodbye. "Don't follow me," he whispers in her ear and drops his hand. He allows his lips to graze her neck before putting distance between them. Elliot turns around, quickly moving off of the dance floor. He drops a twenty dollar bill at the bar where he was sitting earlier before ducking out of the back exit of the club.

* * *

I know it's short, but I wanted to get this up to you guys quickly.

What's up with Elliot?

Listen to Moonlight by The Piano Guys for insight on the muse of this story.


	4. Chapter 4

04

I can't deny it the damage it done  
and the innocent moment is gone  
Is it better to hide it from you?  
Honestly I don't know what to do...

The chilled night hits him hard despite the leather jacket he's wearing. It takes him a moment to adjust to the newfound darkness and lack of flashing, meretricious, club culture innocence. He misses the energy, feels the weight of tonight sink into him. He imagines Olivia standing in the middle of the floor, alone and shattered. Because of him.

It hurts.

He's numbed himself over the past year. Learned to let things slide off rather than face them head on. He knows it's not right, but he chose flight over fight that night in the precinct. And he's run from his reality since then. And now today he has run from her.

Elliot glances down both ways of the alley and wonders where he's supposed to go from here. He's half tempted to walk across the street to Chandlers, another bar he's a regular of. He needs to be numb again. He needs to drink until he forgets her name.

He knew it was a bad idea approaching her. Now it's as if somebody had taken a knife and sliced through his chest, pulling apart what pieces of his heart that were left. Because he couldn't give her what he wanted, and what he now knows that she wants.

He is far too broken to give himself to her.

He's standing outside of the club with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head bowed from the slight wind chill. His eyes are squeezed tight. He doesn't know what to do.

He needs her.

He hears the door open a few feet behind him and immediately knows who it is. He can feel the shift of the air behind him; he can tell she is just inches away.

"El." Her hand touches his arm and he turns around quickly, advancing and forcing her into the brick wall behind them.

"I told you not to follow me," Elliot practically hisses at her. His voice is low, hardly a whisper.

His left hand is against her waist, fingers pushing into her skin, holding her into the wall. His other hand rests the brick, trapping her.

He should have known she would follow him. It was Olivia after all. He had the opportunity to leave, to disappear and blend into the city. But he stayed…and now he wonders if he did it on purpose.

"Dammit, Liv..."

Elliot finally looks his former partner in the eye.

He swears his heart stopped. It's been over a year since he's seen her and she is just as beautiful as the day he left. Olivia's chrystal filled eyes shine up at him, the formation of droplets about to fall any second.

A soft hand cups his jaw, moving upward to his cheek. Thin fingers feel what is now just over a week of rough stubble.

He can't breathe.

"You're growing a beard?"

"No," he laughs. "I just uh...I'm..."

He's not sure what to tell her. So he closes his mouth and soaks in the atmosphere. Olivia's hand is warm, but her touch sends a chill throughout his body.

He isn't sure how to tell his partner that he's a broken, most likely alcoholic, mess. He doesn't know how to say he hasn't shaved because he's afraid of his razor and the he gets a high off the sharp edges digging into his skin. That he hasn't slept in days because of the nightmares that come every time he closes his eyes.

"I missed you," he tells her. It's one of the few things he does know.

It's incredible the affect she can have on him. Something so simple and innocent can bring him to his knees in a heartbeat. He would go to the end of the world for her. All she would have to do is say the words.

"Where have you been?"

He knows she wasn't intending to sound accusatory but he can't suppress the anguish etched across his face. He attempts to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He wishes she could understand.

"Elliot?"

"Liv...I'm sorry."

Two hands are suddenly grasping the lapels of his jacket right as he attempts to stand straight.

"Don't even think about walking away again," she tells him. "Start talking."

He doesn't know what to say. How is he supposed to explain what's been going on with him? He doesn't even know...

"I've been..." He thinks for a moment. "I don't know," he finishes, sincerity in his tone.

Olivia laughs, but he sees no humor, no signs of light hearted conversation in her features. "You don't know?"

His hands reach for hers, pulling them away from his body and down by her sides. Her hands cling to his, though. She won't let him go.

Elliot watches her, and can tell she is starting to lose her composure. She used to be so strong…usually she could put him in his place without hesitation but now, he watches as she fights a losing battle with herself. He knows she wants to argue with him, tell him how it's physically impossible for him to not know…but to his surprise she doesn't push the issue.

"Elliot I need you to say something-"

"I don't know where I've been Olivia. All I do know is I haven't felt anything...nothing since that night." He prays she understands and doesn't press further because he really doesn't want to think about it. "But now you're here and I'm suddenly feeling again and it's confusing the hell out of me."

It's incredible how quickly her expression can change. She was borderline anger a second ago and now her features have softened. A few tears have finally fallen and he drops his hand from the wall in order to wipe them from her cheeks.

"Olivia I am so sorry-"

"I didn't think I would ever see you again."

He shakes his head, allows his hands to fall on her shoulders. His fingers run along the end strands of her hair. Her eyes drifted close as she leaned her head back against the brick.

He can't believe she is here right now. That she is allowing him to be around her in such an...intimate way, despite the fact that he's been gone. He wants her to understand, but he knows she will turn away and run the moment she realizes how bad off he's been lately.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, Olivia. You don't know who I've become since then...and I'm just really fucking sorry-"

A cold hand covers his mouth. "Stop it, El."

So he stops. He figured its best now to just stop talking anyway. He wants to enjoy this moment, not ruin it.

"El?"

"Hmmm?" He looks down, catches her eyes.

He's trying to figure out what she sees in him. It's almost as if she could see through his flaws, through the broken mess he has become over the past year. He wants to be more for her. He wants to change for her.

"Elliot..." He feels one of her hands make way up to his neck.

"Liv...you-"

"Kiss me."

The world stops turning.


	5. Chapter 5

05

Ancient signals wake me up

It's you, it's over

But maybe it's better

It's better

You Don't See Me

He isn't sure what he was expecting of her. He can definitely say he wasn't expecting this though. Elliot looks up, breaking eye contact for a moment so he can breathe again. The hand around his neck squeezes his tense muscles.

He tries to think of an argument. He could name a million and one reasons but if he's honest with himself none of them really matter anymore. Nothing else mattered the moment he laid eyes on her.

He looks at her, an eyebrow raised in question and a small smile forming. He's beginning to forget everything else as his mind fills with imagines and thoughts of what he wants -what she is asking him to do to her.

"Olivia..."

She glares at him when his fingers trail a line from her ear down to her jaw. His thumb rubs circles along her cheek as he watches her. His other hand holds her in place along her waist.

"El-" a quick finger across her lips silences her.

"Shhh," he tells her before moving his hand back under her jaw.

Her eyes drift shut as he tilts her head up toward his. He only pauses for a moment before he breaks the distance between them and brushes his lips against hers.

All previous fears are forgotten when their lips finally meet. How had he stayed away from her...from this? For so long?

He doesn't push forward, just holds his lips against her and waits for her to make a move. His thumb runs along her jaw line and he feels her mouth part slightly beneath his lips.

Elliot takes that as an invitation. He deepens the kiss, his body moving forward as he forces his former partner farther into the wall, their bodies now flush with one another.

"El-" He hears his name between a gasp when he pulls on her lower lip.

Two hands are against his cheeks, pushing his face back slightly. A groan escapes him at the sudden loss of contact. He opens his eyes and looks down at his partner. He narrows his eyes in question.

"Olivi-"

"Shhh." She uses his words, and he now realizes how frustrating it was for her.

His hand moves from her flushed cheek to tangle within the soft hair along her shoulder. He waits for her to say something, anything, but instead she simply watches him.

He wonders what she sees in him.

"El...are you going to…" she pauses, runs her hand across his chest, "am I going to see you again-after tonight I mean?"

It's incredible how shy she got all of the sudden. She's looking at the alley floor like it's the most interesting thing she has seen all night. He doesn't want her to doubt him anymore.

He feels like such an idiot…and he hates himself because he never wanted Olivia to lose faith in him. He understands why she would though. He's given her no reason over the past year for her to have anything but a fear that he will leave again. He never meant to hurt her like this.

"If you'll have me," he tells her. "I've got some...things I need to work on."

She looks at him then, a hint of question in her eyes.

"Maybe you can help me," he finishes.

He knows he will need to talk to her…explain to her how he got to where he is now. He's sure that when they both fall back down to earth she will want to know how it's even possible for them to be where they are right now. And he will have to open up to her, tell his shameful tale of how he chose alcohol as his crutch starting the night he left the precinct for good.

He will have to explain that he lost his family…that most of his kids have given him the cold shoulder because he refuses to get the help he needs. That he's considered eating his gun on one too many occasions.

Worst of all though, he knows she's going to ask him if he had ever planned on contacting her again. And he will have to be honest and explain that if it wasn't for tonight...that he probably wouldn't have found the strength to push forward.

And he isn't so sure that he will be able to heal. After a year of sitting on a rock at the bottom of his life, he doesn't think he will have the strength to come back to the surface. If he had known that the push he needed to better himself was only a phone call away…he may have been able to suffer through his embarrassment of being broken and find the courage to talk to her.

"Stop thinking so much." Olivia brings him back to reality, her tone nothing but understanding.

Olivia lifts up on her toes. "Hmmm." Her voice is nothing but a soft hum against his lips. She kisses him slowly, tenderly and he can't figure out how his heart is still beating. She pushes forward, her entire body moving to press against his and he has to regain his footing. He parts his lips in his a gasp when he feels her tongue slide along them.

She's perfect.

His right hand wraps around her before settling into her lower back, keeping her up against him. He feels soft fingers run along the thin hair at the nape of his neck.

"I'll do anything." Her voice is quiet, and she's looking up at him like he is all the matters. There is no anger, disgust, or regret. "Anything I can," she repeats.

He believes her. After twelve years he should know that Olivia would always be there, through thick and thin, for him. He's not sure what clouded his vision, what made him believe that he had to be alone right now…but now he knows that he was wrong for shutting her out…for deciding to face his demons alone.

He's a lucky son of a bitch. And he is sure somewhere down the road she'll get angry, come to the realization that he left…that he pushed her away. But Elliot will be prepared. He's not going to let her go this time.


End file.
